ASH - After Steve Hardison

 

I spent two hours with Steve Hardison and I have absolutely no idea how to describe it. I wrote everything that was in my head as soon as I got to the airport but reading it again I realise that it doesn't even slightly sum up what happened or why I feel so different.

We talked about mind and thoughts and how we can only experience the world through what we think of it. That I can never experience it in any other way than through 'Clare' but that I can expand the perspective that is Clare. He put his hands around my neck (after asking permission) and throttled me and invited me to do the same to him as he told me a story about being with a hooligan on the tube in London. He looked me straight in the eyes from one foot away and told me who he was in a way that was terrifying in its intensity and certain knowledge. He hugged me many times. Said he loved me many times. He leaped around the room pulling open drawers and cupboards to show me things and illustrate what he was saying. I am continually having revelations as to how everything he said and showed me in his house, garden and office was a metaphor for something else. Out of the blue he talked about James and how to love someone fully. I asked him what he saw that I am not seeing. He said it is like I am wearing a baseball cap (I gave him one as a souvenir from London) that has a stick stuck to it with a carrot dangling on a string. The carrot is just out of my reach. I can never get it until I realise I have the carrot already, I just need to take the hat off. Eat a carrot every day.

I love that the 'After Steve Hardison' spells ASH. It makes me think of a phoenix rising out of the ashes of  non-commitments, of measly words that go nowhere, of wanting without valuing, of pretending to be less, of seeing others as in anyway less.

I still have no idea what happened other than I spent two hours with the most alive,  dynamic, peaceful, committed, in-love human being I have ever met. He is the original source. I feel a deeper sense of calm and more excitement than I have ever felt. I have everything I need and anything I want to create is there.  It is who I am. How I show up. My words. That's it.

With love Clare