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[Excerpt from 'It's not you... and it's not me']


This is a book about the true gift that hurt represents. Let’s see how this can be the navigation for the rest of our lives.


Continue to settle back to reality

As we have seen, not living in reality is exhausting. It is deep on-going suffering. It is eternal struggle.

When we live in reality, not in projection, we are sane. We want to be sane. Above all, we want to be sane. This is the sole (soul?) purpose of our lives.

It means responding to what is actually going on not what our fears and insecurities are creating.

It means having relationships with the actual people in our lives not with shadows from the past.

Reality is what our minds and bodies are designed for. This is why mental suffering is a sign to bring us back to reality as clearly as physical pain is a sign to remove our hand from the hot plate or the nettle bed.

We exist really (really, really, really) well in reality.

And moment by moment, suffering by suffering, confrontation by confrontation, the absolute sanity of what we are is being revealed.


Continue to learn

When it looks like our security is to be found in the presence, approval or attention of the other, we are living in projection. Real life, real time information isn’t even accessible, let alone taken into account. We do things all the while resenting the other. We fight and flee. We calculate, pretend and manipulate. We live in a static world of belief devoid of fresh information. We have to. We believe our survival depends on it.

But the body-mind is a continual learning system. It thrives, flourishes, grows, operates and finds equilibrium through direct information and feedback.

When we are sane, we can ask for and receive actual information. People tell us what they want and honest open discussions can be had.

What they want might be an easy change for us, something that we are more than happy to provide now that we know. They might want a bit more help or less help. They might want some quiet for a moment or for us to talk to them. Information.

Or they might want something that is hard, perhaps very challenging, for us to provide but which we know deep in our hearts is healthy for us to do. They might want more time to themselves. They might want us to take better care of our health. They might want us to tackle our addictions. Information.

Or they might want something that goes against our own values or our own health. They might want us to join them in their unhealthy habits or to embark on risky or dishonest practices. We might want monogamy but they might want to see other people while still dating us. Again, information.

This is all information that gets completely confused when we are confused. When it looks like our wholeness depends on that person, we abandon ourselves and our health, information is disregarded and distorted.

When we are in reality, we are sane and when we are sane, we can remain connected to the other and to the deepest peace at the heart of our being, whatever they are saying.

It is from this place that we learn about ourselves. It is where our most authentic yes and no emerges. It is where our behaviour aligns to health and possibility. It is where our true boundaries are found and where we find the people with whom we are most compatible.

And all the while, information is sanely, usefully, accountably guiding all our decisions and behaviour.


Continue to heal

Is this job of healing ever done? Who cares? It really doesn’t matter. Because now there is excitement about what our resistance to reality will reveal.  Every situation can now be approached with curiosity and openness.

We can start going on dates again. We can invite potential friends for a coffee. We can put ourselves up for a new job or promotion. We can contact potential clients. We can have the difficult conversation with our spouse, parents or children. What will these experiences reveal? Will they be reflections of the lightness and unconditional love of our being? Or will there be resistance and hurt?

The lived experience of wholeness?

Or the healing of the layers that hide it?

Either way, we win.


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