Seeing rejection in a whole new light

[Excerpt from 'It's not you and it's not me']

I once had a half hour conversation with a boss and her colleague about my contribution to the team. They began with a criticism of my work and from then on all I heard was criticism after criticism. I became more and more wound up with every passing minute. Afterwards I emailed them both saying I was sorry they had such a terrible impression of me.

They emailed back saying, ‘What are you talking about? We’re offering you a promotion.’

And this is because the reaction is not about the other person or the current situation or what they seem to be saying. It is not about them. It is about the survival of me. Or equally, when there is such focus on pleasing the other because of the security they represent, on having their attention or keeping them in the relationship we miss or disregard important information that would have otherwise been very obvious. Signs that this person is not telling us the truth, that what they want is very different to what we are hoping for, that they are not the person for us, that they are not choosing us back are cut out of the picture.

In the desperation to have them, a whole parade of red flags can be not just ignored but not even seen. Which means that this period after a break up cannot be about the other person. These tips and tricks to get them back are of no value because the true person doesn’t really exist yet for us.

Our reaction is a sign that there is work to be done and that does not involve the other. This period must be about us, about me and about you and sitting in the discomfort of our worst fears, our deepest shames, our greatest insecurities and our most driving needs because through that way is freedom. This does not mean withdrawing from life to lick our wounds and navel gaze. In fact, it is the opposite.

Have a rest, of course, after the shock of a break up or confrontation or rejection. Rest is vital, just as it is after a long run or a serious session in the gym. But rest is not retreat. It is not withdrawal. It is not an exit. It is recovery, creating readiness for the next round.

Rest and then back in we go - for more discomfort if required, more revelations, more healing. We go back into the thick of life simply to open up to what is there to be open to. Staying in conversation to hear what is there to be heard. Meeting our worst fears to see that there is nothing really at stake.