The hidden driver behind our relationship ups and downs

[Excerpt from Unachievable]

It is fascinating to ask ourself what is really wanted in any given situation. Is it really the object or the other person we are interested in, or are we after Identity security? The apparent desire for the other person, the experience or thing might seem so strong, but it can be entirely conditional on whether or not the Identity will be secured in the process.

In such cases: no Identity reinforcement (Ego boost) = no interest. This is why relationships, work projects, health programmes and hobbies that, on the surface, should be straightforward become roller coasters of tension and emotion. The roller coaster has nothing to do with the thing or person and everything to do with an Identity that is alternately affirmed or jeopardised.

If the want completely disappears when its fulfilment does not result in the affirmation, love, attention, success, regard, respect or being right that the Identity is seeking, then the want was only a proxy for the true driving motivation underneath. If the want is only wanted to secure the Identity two outcomes can happen. The want can be impossible to achieve.

The want will be achieved through desperate motivation and will be hollow, a burden and ultimately not wanted because it does not guarantee the Identity security we thought it would.