How much discomfort can you take?

[Excerpt from 'It's not you and it's not me']

How much discomfort can you take?

That’s a strange question. Isn’t it? Particularly when we are looking to our relationships - our partner, our friendships, our family, our colleagues and bosses - to avoid discomfort. Discomfort. Suffering. Contraction. Confrontation. Defensiveness. Fear. It’s the opposite, isn’t it, of how we think we need to live?

Usually our questions are more along the lines of ‘How can I stop suffering? How can I be happy? How can I get rid of this anxiety? How can I get rid of this discomfort?’ We look to our relationships for comfort. And now, here we are in the middle of a book about relationships considering that discomfort is an excellent thing. Discomfort is the magic place in which everything happens.

We spend our lives seeking out comfort, not realising that comfort is a slow contraction and decline physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually. This is perhaps most obvious when it comes to the physical body. We understand, don’t we, even if we don’t admit it to ourselves, that the easy gratification of our sedentary, comfort-eating existence is contracting our world if not killing us?

We understand that the harder breathing in the gym or on a run is aerobic capacity increasing. We know that it is the tearing of muscle fibres, along with the associated soreness, which creates greater strength. We know that it is the ability to sit in the discomfort of cravings that allows habits of smoking, junk food and alcohol to end. We’re not doing this because we are masochists, because we deserve to suffer. We are doing this because we know that staying present, not giving in to the momentary discomfort is where a greater potential is revealed.

In fact the ache, the soreness, the discomfort of exertion and determination start to become welcomed. A positive association with aching muscles develops. The discomfort is appreciated and understood for what it really is - a signifier of transformation, progress and expansion. But when it comes to our sense of being, the relationship between discomfort, health and expansion is not so obvious. And this is because when it comes to matters of identity, self esteem, validity, self-worth and security, discomfort looks like the opposite of expansion and progress. It looks like death. It looks like any threat to our sense of self will be the end of us. So discomfort is avoided at all costs. And comfort is sought out.

The discomfort of rejection, indifference, lack of attention (or conversely too much attention), disagreement, disapproval cannot be tolerated.