Conflict: Identity Wants can make relationships impossible

[Excerpt from Unachievable]

I recently watched the streaming series Love is Blind. For those who haven’t seen it, the participants interact with one another from individual pods in which they can hear their date’s voice but not see them.

Lines like those above were said at some point by pretty much everyone in the pods. They ‘fall in love’ with each other never having met, never having worked through any real-life situations. As long as they make each other feel special, then bingo! They get engaged. They get married and then fast forward to the reunion episode and it is no surprise that many of the couples are practically spitting at each other across the stage.

It is not our partner’s job to secure an insecure Identity. When we make it their job, either the relationship is set to fail, or we are locked into co-dependency that looks more and more essential for our survival with every dysfunctional day. Relationship breakdowns, conflict and upset are inevitable when the Form Want of spending time with someone is hiding the Identity Want that somehow this person or this relationship will secure me. It is an invisible but unmistakable demand on the other that they can never fulfil.

Identity Wants mean that I am not really interested in the other person unless they are providing the drug of validation. Identity Wants can make relationships very difficult, if not impossible.